Crying happens regularly in therapy. As therapists, we are used to it. We are not alarmed by it, and we certainly do not see it as something to apologise for. Often, the person sitting opposite us is allowing themselves, perhaps for the first time, to share something difficult that has been bubbling away under the surface for months, if not years.
Crying is a deeply human act. It can help us settle during moments of high emotion. It may feel messy, hot, exposing, even frightening, but underneath, the nervous system may be trying to move from holding on to letting go. Put like this, it makes absolute sense that crying happens in therapy. Many clients are trying to move on from something, or at the very least, come to terms with it.
The benefits of crying
Crying can signal deep engagement with difficult emotions. Think about how you feel after a good cry: tired, somewhat drained, but often better than you did before.
That may be because crying can help release stress hormones and promote the production of oxytocin and endorphins, which can help ease emotional pain. In doing so, crying may help soften low mood, feelings of helplessness and anxiety. And the great thing is, it’s free.
The apology
The paradox is that most of us apologise for crying.
Perhaps this is because, deep down, we think it is difficult for others to manage. There may be some truth in that. I have often heard people say “don’t cry” to someone who needs consoling. It is not meant with any bad intention, but what this can communicate is: I am uncomfortable with your crying, so let’s try to fix this instead.
Fixing is not required at that moment. The person may simply need to release emotion and be allowed to do so without feeling rushed. A hug, a gentle touch on the arm or shoulder, or just a steady presence may be far more supportive.
Being uncomfortable with crying is not something therapists generally experience in sessions. That is not to say we do not feel anything. We may feel compassion, empathy, tenderness, or sadness alongside you, but not discomfort, and certainly not a wish for you to stop.
A cry that is met with steadiness rather than alarm may become regulating. The body is not only discharging emotion; it is also discovering that distress can be witnessed without catastrophe.
In my training, we were advised not to automatically hand clients tissues because it might be experienced as a sign that we are encouraging them to mop up the tears and stop.
This is why tissues are usually placed close by, so clients can help themselves. That said, there have been occasions when a client is clearly in need of one, at which point I might gently suggest they take a tissue, not to cut the crying short, but simply for comfort.
What if it’s near the end of the session?
One thing we are mindful of as therapists is that significant upset can sometimes happen right at the end of the therapy hour. It is not always avoidable, but this is one reason we keep an eye on both the clock and the content of the session.
We would not usually raise something deeply difficult in the final five minutes. We want you to leave the session feeling steady enough to continue with your day. If the session has been particularly difficult, we may suggest some self-care or grounding, and check whether you have support outside therapy.
If friends or family are not easily accessible, it can be important to know about other ways to get help if needed. Please see the list of resources below.
What if I can’t cry?
Medication, depression, shame, cultural messages, or a therapy relationship that does not yet feel safe enough can also make crying difficult.
In therapy, tears can mean something has become safe enough to be felt. But the absence of tears can be just as meaningful. Sometimes it shows where feeling is still being carefully protected.
All this is okay, and your therapist is there to work through these barriers with you. It may take time and courage to face what you may never have confronted before.
We want you to take your time. If tears come, they are welcome. If they do not, that is something we can be curious about, too. There is no need to apologise. It is your space, your time, and you can cry if you want to.
